It
has been over a year since I saved president Obama from death by the Tetris
Devil Demon. But I doubt you would have heard of that as none of the news
stations covered it. They should have seen it was an amazing battle to save the
universe from such an evil force.
After my digital escapades, I took my
love of Tetris to a whole new level. Yes, I became a CHAMPION of the game,
scoring some of the highest scores ever. Soon, I was at the championships.
Me
and my opponent battled furiously to get the highest score, but in the end, I
lost by one point. What sucks even worse was how he gave all his winnings to a
charity for sick orphans. I would have spent it all on beer and vidya games. I
went home and cried for about ten hours.
When
I was able to calm down, I went on my computer to whine and complain like a
little shit on 4chan.
I
had been complaining for about seven days strait, when I received my first
actual response from someone. Imagine that, someone actually cared about my
petty, sad and pathetic tantrum.
The
message read; Bitch, it’s time for my revengence. Get in the goddamn computer
scrub.
What
a horrible thing to say, I thought. How can someone be so inconsiderate of
others? I mean, it’s not like I ever did anything like that, right.
I wrote a horrible reply full of swear words up the wazoo.
When I was done, I hit the enter key, satisfied.
As soon as I hit the enter key, my computer exploded into
an enormous portal to hell that began to suck in my room. I screamed and bricks
of solid shit came flying out of me like a fully automatic gun.
A giant hand of
rotten flesh came out of the portal and grabbed me. It dragged me into hell,
and I screamed, leaving enough shit bricks to build an empire state building
out of shit.
Then my house exploded and was dragged to hell. Some fat
man sitting on his lawn across the street observed this, nonchalantly, as did
everyone in the world.
“That’s why you don’t play with Ouija boards” said the fat
man as he drank a beer.
The portal closed, and all that remained of a house was a
giant ass crater.
I landed in hell. It was hot and made entirely of obsidian,
with magma everywhere. Demons flew, swam, and ran everywhere. It was like a
city. Building made of obsidian. Some had magma falls coming out of windows.
Then two burly demons came down to me. They looked like
body builders with shark heads, dragon wings, eagle feet, bear paws, and
crocodile tails. They also wore tuxedos. They had a red and black color scheme.
“Le patron nous a envoyés pour vous récupérer” one said.
“Ven sin lucha, y no te sobrevendrá mal” said the other.
I looked at both confused. I told them I have absolutely no
idea what they are saying.
They both face palmed and began to drag me away. I kicked
and screamed, yelling about how I have rights, and they were being horribly
violated.
I was taken into a ware house, and thrown to the ground.
“ Ici,
il est le patron. Celui que vous avez demandé”
“Espero
que estábamos de buen servicio a usted jefe”
Then
I heard it, a voice I had not heard in over a year.
“Yes,
you did an excellent job, you shall be paid handsomely in hell money” It was…
THE TETRIS DEVIL DEMON.
I screamed, how could the TDD still be alive,
I saw Obama kill him. So I asked him how it was possible.
“Through the power of human sacrifice,
satanic ritual, and the healing magic of friendship, I was resurrected”
So
much shit was being sprayed that moment, I was going to die.
“Welcome
to die, fucker” said the TDD as he drew a sword that was waaaay to big for him
to use, but was still somehow able to.
“Say good bye, TO LIFE” he yelled as
the sword swung down.
But
I was still alive. I opened my eyes to several gasps of terror from the
surrounding demons. Even the TDD was
scared shitless.
The
sword was inched from my neck, but something was holding it back. The sword was being held back by what
appeared to be a python with jet black scales, glowing red eyes, two arms and
legs, and was covered in spikes. But oddly enough wore a “My little pony shirt”.
“You
know TDD that this is agents the rules of hell, correct” said the Snake.
The
TDD just nodded yes.
“Well
ma boy. You are lucky that good old Lucifer came to save your sorry ass from
death. Or so it seems. You were dragged here by TDD. So you can’t just waltz on
out anymore. If you were invited here,
it would be a different story. But you weren’t” said Satan.
I
asked him how I get out then.
“I’m
glad you asked, for to escape, you must survive a three floor Trouble Dungeon
set up by the one who summoned you. I.E the TDD. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure it’s somewhat
possible to complete by a mortal. I always do. Good luck scrub” said Satan as
he teleported all of us out of the room.EEEENNNNDDD OFFFF CHAAAAAAPTER!!!!!!!!!
I was brought to a nice waiting room with a couch, bed,
mini refrigerator, and microwave oven. The carpet was gold, and the wall paper
was light blue. This is where I was staying until the Trouble Dungeon. I stayed
there for what seemed like a week. I played hell themed versions of vidya games
like, Call of Damned; Hell ops, Super
Demon Galaxy, Demon’s Souls, and Beelzebub
the Hedgehog. Then I got a letter telling me the Trouble Dungeon was
“Kompleatedid” Well, time to go die I thought as I left the room.
I stepped out of the room into a giant ass field of grass
and hills. The sky was a clear blue, and the sun was shining. This doesn’t seem
like much of a Trouble Dungeon to me. Then I fell into a pitfall trap.
I landed in a giant maze. The floors were chain link and
there was magma below me. More shit fell. The TDD came over a loud speaker and
said “This is the first floor of the amazing Trouble Dungeon. Get your sorry
ass to the keys to unlock the door out of here before it fills with magma.
There are six keys, six locks, and six minutes to do this. Get your ass moving
scrub” he said. Then the magma started to rise slowly.
I got the first two keys no problem, and then lava demons
started to appear. They tried to eat me. It was a struggle to evade them, but I
did get the next two keys. After that, the Lava demons fused into what looked
like a Beholder from Dungeons and Dragons. Only made of lava.
I had one and a half minutes before I was DED, so I started
to sprint; I almost fell of the path multiple times. The lavaholder, as I
called it, was faster than I expected. But I got the fifth key. Yea! But no
time for a happy dance. Sliding under the Lavaholder, I got the last key.
Upon getting the last key, the Lavaholder screamed as six
keyholes opened on its face. I threw all six keys into the keyholes, and the
Lava holder went boom, leaving a portal. With ten seconds left, I got through
the portal.
I was clear, or so I thought. A giant ass monster made of
iron came out of the sky. It looked like a cauldron with four crab legs and an
angry face on one side. Then the TDD spoke once more.
“You
didn’t think I would let a floor end without an epic boss fight at the end, did
you. Kill him, and you move on”.
The Cauldron demon was a tough ass foe,
I could do nothing to hurt its iron hide. My punches only did one point of
damage to it. I was ded, and I knew it.
Then a sword fell from the sky. I grabbed it and swug it like an ass
hole. I had no idea how to use a sword, my only skill was Tetris.
I eventually rammed the sword into the Cauldron Demons Eye,
it screamed and died. Then melted into a mass of molten iron. My sword
disintegrated too.
I got a one day break, then the portal to the next floor of
the trouble dungeon was opened.
I was transported to the entrance of a valley. It was very
dark, and a black mist was rising from it. “This is the Valley of Die, cross it
as the second floor of the Trouble Dungeon” said the TDD.
So what, this will be easy. It was not. As soon as I got
in, seven skeletons surrounded me .It was very spooky, especially when they
started slashing at me with swords. It hurt, a lot.
I ran like the
little shit I am, aggroed more skeletons, and even several being of darkness. Soon
I was suuronded. So I used my fists to punch my way out of the horde of
skeletons. It failed miserably.
Then I ran some more. I took cover in a crevice in da wall
and the skeletons and shadow beings passed me. I was safe for now. I crept out
of de wall and continued on down the valley.
I soon came to a giant pit. There appeared to be some sort
of contraption to lower a bridge across the gap. There appeared to be some
complicated puzzle to go along with it. I walked up, punched it, then urinated
all over the control panel. The thing exploded and the bridge caught fire.
But it still lowerd and when the fire died I crossed the
bridge. In the center of the bridge there was a strange object. Upon
examination, it was a pick axe. Was this my weapon for the boss, I thought.
I was almost at the other side of the bridge, when out of
the smoke a creature came into view. It was a horse, a giant horse. It was
twelve feet tall, had a black coat, and its mane and tail were midnight blue
with white dots, like the night sky. It had red reptilian eyes and a maw of
sharp teeth. So this was the boss.
The horse stood there , not doing anything. So I took a
step forwards.
“Arrrrrggg, you shall die, mortal” was all I heard as a
severed head was thrown onto the bridge from below, said head had burnt,
charred black skin, with sunken in eye sockets with two blue lights in them.
His hair was long and black, and his mouth was in a sinister smile. Then an
armored body fell from the sky. It was ten feet tall, and had heavy knight
armor covering its entire body. In its left hand it held a whip that appeared
to be made of a human spine, it picked up his head in his other hand.
He jumped into the air and landed on his horse, cracking
his whip. The horses eyes glowed red, and it readied for combat. Then the TDD
spoke.
“The boss of The
Valley of Die is a Dullahan. Good luck scrub, for it just ran out on you”.
“Ha ha ha! Time to feel some Pain” said the Dullahan. And
the boss began.
The Dullahan was fast, and his whip could hit me from a
great distance. I tried to smack it with my pick axe, but he kept evading my
hits. It was infuriating. Soon he ran up, and smacked me with his head.
“Feel the burn” he yelled as this happened.
He put his whip away, grabbed me by the neck, and threw me
into the ground.
“Come on and slam, and welcome to the pain jam” he said as
he did this.
I was very unpleased with the way this boss was going. So I
told him to stop attacking me and let me kill him.
“I will not” he replied.
He then whipped me 42 times in the chest. But I was somehow
still alive. So I ran to the other side of the bridge to hopefully escape the
Dullahan . Long story short, I hit an
invisible wall, and Dullahans don’t give up that easily.
Then I saw a shiny thing in the wall, forgetting about the
Dullahan, I hit the wall with the pickaxe, and a small nugget of gold fell to
the ground. I was rich! I had found gold. Oh yea, there is a Dullahan who wants
me dead. I turned around to face my on coming Scooby doom, but the Dullahan had
stopped.
“I-is that G-g-g-GOLD” he yelled.
I told him yes, and that it was my gold. But he seemed
scared of the gold. So I picked it up and walked towards him with the gold
nugget. He screamed and fled. So, Dullahans were scared of gold? Who could have
guessed such a thing? But regardless, I cleared the second floor of the Trouble
Dungeon.
I was taken to a black room, and given a one day break once
more. Then a set of stares appeared up wards, leading to the final floor of the
trouble dungeon. What could it be?
Find out, next time on; Morte di un Imperatore… Which
starts right fucking NOW!
I ascended the stair way to the final floor of the Trouble
Dungeon, leaving a brick of solid shit on every step. What could it be? Then
the TDD spoke.
“I am surprised to see you make it this far, I was sure you
would die on floor one. But regardless, the final floor will certainly be your
grave” he said.
I soon found myself at a door. What horror lay beyond this
door? I opened it, and found out.
I stood before an enormous pyramid. It was broken into
sections, like the…food pyramid? Then the TDD spoke once more.
“The final floor of the Trouble Dungeon, SCALE THE FOOD
PYRAMID” he yelled. And I was given a giant bread knife.
I made my way to the grains section of the Pyramid. As soon as I set
foot in the pyramid, bread knights materialized before me. They had swords made
of bread sticks, guns that shot pasta, and threw flour to blind me. So I drew
my giant knife, and began to slice, but I soon found out, that the knights
could only be killed, if I cut off their head. So I did.
When killed, they became piles of flour, but their weapons
remained. Then I saw something on the wall. “The only way to live a healthy life
is to eat a balanced diet”. There was an empty fuel tank next to the sign.
Thinking quickly, I grabbed a bread sword, and ate it. The tank filled slightly.
So I must eat the daily requirements of the food pyramid to progress? I hope my
stomach can handle all that food. So I did just that, and soon, I ate enough
grains to continue.
I found myself in the fruit section of the pyramid. Then
found myself confronted by apples, with angry faces and limbs. The wielded banana
guns and pineapple grenades. I used my knife to combat the apple warriors and
get the fruit weapons. I tore into the bananas and pine apples greedily. I then
pounced on an apple, and ate one of his arms.
Then the heavy artillery came in, the durian warriors. They
had clubs. I had to slice off parts of them and eat it while they beat me. I
ended up with a lot of injuries, but I ate enough fruits to continue.
Vegetables were up next. I was immediately confronted by a
giant thing of broccoli and cauliflower. The broccoli was small, fast, and had
a lightning spear, while the cauliflower was huge and used a giant hammer. They
combo me, and it was painful. But using my knife, I was eventually able to slay
the cauliflower. Then the Broccoli absorbed the strength of his fallen komrad,
and grew huge as well. He also became a fusion of the two veggies.
The fight continued, and He hit me hard with his spear
attacks, but I sliced off parts of him with my knife. Soon, he only had his
arms left. And I slew him. He exploded into many little tiny bits of Broccoli
and Cauliflower. And I ate my daily dose. I also got a tiny flame thrower. Odd
I thought. Then it was on to meats and proteins.
The room was squishy and made of flesh, in the center was a
human torso fused to the ground. But it was made of chop meat and had six arms.
It also had a head made of sushi. He could shoot caviar out of his eyes and
lasers out of his hands. I was eventually able to slice off one arm. But I can’t
eat raw meat. I continued to slice off arms, until it was only a torso and
head.
I rammed my knife through were its heart would be, and he
exploded. I then remembered I had a flame thrower, and used it to cook the meat
and eat my requirement.
Now it’s time for dairy. I landed in an ocean of milk. And
a kraken made of cheese erupted from the depths of the sea. He shot yogurt at
me from his beak, then slapped me several times with his arms. He also shot
lasers out of his eyes. But I was too smart for him, for I drank the milk we
were swimming in until I had met my quota on dairy. The kraken exploded, and I
passed.
I had reached the summit of the food pyramid, The fats and
oils. What greeted me was a stick of butter. I took a bite out of it, and was
done. I had completed the trouble dungeon.
Then an enormous titan fell from the sky. He was comprised
of all the foods. His torso was made of meat, his left leg was celery and his
right leg was made of bananas and apples. His left arm was made of Swiss cheese;
his right arm was made of bread. His head was made of butter and was constantly
crying olive oil. Then he started to sing.
“Somebody once told me that, I was gunna kill you, I’ll use
the sharpest tool in the shed” he sang. He then began to dual wield a
rototiller and a lawn mower.
He swung and I almost died once more.
“Your brain gets dead, and your head comes off” he sang.
“All that glitters is blood! Only shootin staars save your
sououl” he sang. But I was able to sing back in response.
“CRALLING IN MY SKIIIN, THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEAL” I
sang. But my song did nothing to stop his. So I was eaten by him. But I was
able to cut my way out with my knife. But I failed. So I used my flame thrower.
And I burned my way out. I stood back and watched ad he burned to death.
“All that glitters is gold! Only shooting stars break the
mold” were his last words before he died.
I had done it; I had bested the Trouble Dungeon! I was
going home! I triumphantly left the food pyramid behind and walked up the stare
way to earth. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I was free!
…or so I thought! (To be
continued)
…Right now.
I exited the stare way and found myself on top of an empty
air craft carrier. Judging by the clouds and heavy rain, it was flying through
a hurricane. Then the TDD appeared before me. The robotic jester of black and
white with glowing red robot eyes was dual wielding great swords. He threw me a
Katana and said;
“There
was one more rule about the trouble dungeon that I “forgot” to mention. You
must fight me to the death once the dungeon is complete. Think of it as a final
boss of sorts. Prepare to die, you filthy waste of flesh”. He took a battle
pose.
I had no idea how to use a sword. But he was soon swinging
at me wildly, trying to gut me like a fish. I was barely able to avoid his
blades. The Rain made it hard to see what was going on. And soon I was sliced
in half. But as I bled out, the sky was cleaved, and president Obama came to Finnish
his fight.
“Your luck just ran out” said Obama.
Obama was wearing armor made of obsidian, and used a 20
foot long katana made of titanium. It was also on fire.
The true final battle commenced, The two parried, blocked,
and sliced at each other in a true battle of chivalry. It went on for 200 days,
and 100 nights. But eventually, Obama sliced off one of the TDD’s arms, right
as he sliced off one of Obama’s legs. As one last desperation attack, both
swung with all their might. Obama cut the TDD in half diagonally across his
shoulder, and the TDD decapitated Obama.
It was ogre, and the rain stopped.
I was able to feel the sun on my face. I was magically put
back together, and on my burnt front lawn. The remains of my house stood behind
me. I had bested hell, and was free. I stood up and walked down the street. The
sun was out, and there was a light breeze. I had learned a very valuable lesion
in hell, what it is I have no idea, but I’m pretty sure I learned something.